the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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