I'm jealous of your bromance
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
