I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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