Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
