Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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