I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
