my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
