the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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