i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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