I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
