just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
