please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
