Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
So squirting runs in the family.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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