My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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