and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
