apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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