You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
