i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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