Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I think I won the penis lottery.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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