Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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