What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
