i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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