We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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