What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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