Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
