So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
