Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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