and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
