I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
