I think I won the penis lottery.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
