WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
