in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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