I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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