the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
