You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
