I'm going to jail i love you
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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