I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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