We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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