I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
