Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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