you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
