I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
