All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
