Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
