So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
