I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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