I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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