Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
