your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
We got so high we made milksteak
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
