I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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