i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
