Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
