I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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