New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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